


This is me trying

by walkinggaymess



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship issues, anger issues, i don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28753302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkinggaymess/pseuds/walkinggaymess
Summary: "It wasn’t about anger. Not always anyway. It was about self-preservation. It was about survival. It was about that fear that grabs your heart and never let it breathe again. The fear that deep down, you were born alone and so, you would end up alone."My take on what goes on during episode 4 of The Wilds with a dive into Toni's head. (yes I suck at summaries, my bad)
Relationships: Martha Blackburn & Shelby Goodkind, Martha Blackburn & Toni Shalifoe, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello there! Just to let y'all know this work hasn't been beta'd and also English isn't my first language, so all mistakes are mine. Recently going back to writing, as the Wilds inspired me to go back down that path.  
> I don't really know where this is going yet, buuut I hope you'll enjoy whatever this end up being :)  
> Also the title is from the Taylor Swift's song.

It wasn’t about anger.

Not always anyway.

It was about self-preservation. It was about survival. It was about that fear that grabs your heart and never let it breathe again. The fear that deep down, you were born alone and so, you would end up alone.  
  
So, holding on to people through thick and thin, burning yourself down just to save and protect, felt like the correct way to act. That’s what growing up in a broken home does to you. And Toni, she had been doing just fine for so long now, pushing everything down on a daily basis, she had built walls over walls, constant smug face to hide the ache that sometimes left her restless under the stars. Cause only the stars had seen her cry. Them and a hand-picked number of people she could trust and be herself around.

She just never thought she’d be here today, stranded on an Island, heart beating way too fast in her ears, blood running through her veins, muscles aching, her lungs burning up, shallow breaths as tears were spilling freely onto her face.

She never thought she’d see that look on her bestfriend’s face either, to be fair.

She was so young the first time she met Martha, she barely even remembers it correctly. She just immediately knew that they would be the best of friends. Inseparable souls that just clicked right away together. Here she was, scrapped knees from playing basketball with the other kids when she heard one of the guys laughing about that girl with this huge kind of brace, fingers tight on her crutches. Soon enough, the nicknames came, soon enough, the girl in question had tears on the verge of her eyes, deep brown shinning so much as she tried so hard to hold it all back in. And something just twisted in Toni’s guts, this violent need to protect the stranger as she threw the ball, as it bounced back on one of the guy’s face. And she ran, as fast as possible, she ran, as far away as she could, se ran. Obviously, it wasn’t enough, and the kids did end up finding her, bloody nose and hurt egos that a tiny girl could do that much damage was not okay. But Toni was ready, and boy, did she put up a good fight. She made it out, just in time for diner at her foster family’s table, the third one in a few months. This one was okay, parents seemed more stable than all the previous one, wasn’t a couple on the verge of breaking, and they seem to care enough. Just a bit so that Toni would always have food in her belly. Not that she cared that much anyway. See, she had already accepted that she’d be alone, after all, her mom was never able to stay sober for her, so why would someone ever stick around?

But the girl with the crutches did stick around. Martha was her name. Shared afternoon of laughter, laying down on the same trampoline that could have stolen everything from the cheerful girl. And the girls grew up, years after years, the bond became unbreakable, Toni had found her person, and she would give her entire self in a second if that meant protecting Martha. And one summer, here they were, secrets whispered under the stars during the night as for the first time, Toni talked about this girl in her basketball team that was always making her heart flutter. Like a million sparkles were all lighting up at the same time. “That’s love.” Had said Martha back then, her hand safely locked into Toni’s, just to let her friend know that it was okay. That she would not disappear on her. Unlike the fourth foster family that never accepted that Toni was gay. Not that she cared, she knew how the system worked by now, knew who to call, where to apply, how to move around. But the fifth family never came, so Toni just kind of had to find a place of her own, and that’s how that old beat up car became her favorite place. Because there, she only had the silence’s arms around her, freedom to scream and feel as much as needed and kick around the old tires until her body gave out. Here she could practice that control that so many of the adults like to throw around. As if control was that easy to master.

She was fourteen the first time she lost her temper at Martha’s, and she still doesn’t remember what happened. All she remembers is this sudden fog around her thoughts, the heavy heart in her chest, pounding and pounding against her ears, blood rushing to her muscles as she slammed her fist into the wall in front of her. It probably was a random thing Martha had said, probably was just a dumb stuff, because that’s how it always happened. Words being thrown out as if they didn’t matter, and Toni catching them right there, with her wounded heart laid bare on her sleeves. And so, she reacted. It also was the first time she saw that look on Martha’s face, deep sadness sinking into her eyes, no tears and yet, Toni’s heart still broke. That’s when she made a promise to herself to never, ever let her own anger and fear of abandonment get the best of her. Not in front of her bestfriend, nor in front of Mrs Blackburn. Nah, she would be the best friend there is, a literal shield for the softest girl she knew.

She was seventeen when she broke her promise.

The arrival on the island had been rough. Apocalyptic to be precise, but even then, Toni knew she could count on her roc, the one she had gone on this stupid retreat with. Miles and miles of sand all around them, trees and mountains hiding the girls away from all civilization. And yet, in this chaos, she had managed to remain faithful. Faithful that a boat, a plane, something would appear out of nowhere, people coming to get them back to their lives so that they could pretend nothing ever happened to them. No island, no singing around the fresh dug tomb of Jeanette, no hunger or fear that never again she would see that old beat-up truck she’d gotten used to call home for so many nights.

She had tried, again and again, putting the fear away, and ignoring the signs that slowly but surely, her bestfriend was slipping through her fingers.  
See, Martha had decided to befriend dumb little miss Texas since day one of the trip.

Shelby Goodkind.

Even her name was some kind of fucked up joke.

Cheerful, blonde, perfect little daddy’s girl who couldn’t swear or else the wrath of the Lord would get her. All rainbows and unicorns, most likely pitying those poor girls from Minnesota and playing a sick game of pretention, earning herself a good charity case to write down on her college essay. And yet, Martha couldn’t stop smiling around her, something that made Toni’s chest tighten with fear and sadness. Feelings that slowly were turning into flames, cold embers lighting up again as the days passed and the thoughts remained glued in her brain. She was going to lose her, defeated by Miss Texas over there. A thought that made Toni’s blood boil with rage, a thought that left her awake at night, restless under the deep blue sky, tears stuck in her throat as all she could do was silently look at the stars, wondering if she would ever be enough for someone to simply stick around.

Her mom never had.

Regan surely didn’t.

Martha had apparently found better, it had taken some time, but here they were.

The tears were bitter when they started running down Toni’s face, silence all around her and only the rays of the moon to embrace her, bringing her some kind of comfort. The girls were asleep all around, lulled by the quiet sound of the waves crashing on the sand, a sound you got used to after a while. Forgetting that the sea truly was nothing else than a cage made of salt, preventing them all from escaping. Fingers dug into the sand, Toni exhaled, shaky breath dancing across her chapped lips and she swallowed the sobs that threatened to explode. Swallowed the pain and fear that had been torturing her since her arrival, demons that she could never truly get rid of.

No one moved when the tiny silhouette left camp, walking away, hands in her pocket, face down as the tears kept rolling down her cheeks.

No one moved but everyone heard someone walk away.

And everyone heard the sobs that tore through Toni’s chest the more she wandered off, wondering who it was that broke down, trying to guess which girl would have the brightest fake smile plastered all across her face once the sun would be up.

And when the sun came, no one guessed it was Toni right away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo again! Thanks a lot for the kudos, and comment, definitely is appreciated :) Here's chapter two, hope yu guys will enjoy it! Once again, all mistakes are mine as I don't have a beta reader or anything.

A shelter building contest, that’s what Shelby announces as the takis are still in the sand, plastic bag barely dry from the ocean. Quite unfair, if you were to ask Toni, but seeing the smile that dances across Dot’s face is worth it. They split into teams, taking it seriously, like some kind of high stakes sports’ competition, and truth be told, it is pretty serious for Toni. Takis were no jokes, and she is more than determined to prove to everyone around her that this bag will go to her team, because it was hers to begin with, no matter what the other girl had to say about it. So, she tries to come up with a plan, taking lead as she was named captain, not a surprise considering her past experience in the basketball team.

Her heart already aches when she hears Martha taking a side that isn’t hers, pointing out how she didn’t pay attention to the workshop Toni mentions, but Toni tries. She tries her best, that voice into her head telling her to swallow the anger, let the fears go, and keep the fists tight. Just so she wouldn’t lose it.

Control.

That thing every single grown up in her life would tell her to hold on to.

But already, her fists are shaking, already her heart is beating hard in her chest, throat full of emotions she just wants to scream out. Specks of green everywhere, the sound of leaves, roots and timbers cracking beneath her feet as she makes her way through the trees, choosing to isolate herself to avoid a loss that would result in way too many damages. She couldn’t be seen like this, not by the others, especially not by Shelby that was already stealing her bestfriend. Cutting up branches and leaves is pretty tedious, but good. Keeps her mind busy, hands holding tightly onto the axe, collecting the resources needed for the shelter. Cause they’ll win, she is sure of that. She already is seeing herself sharing takis with the team, little reminder from home, just a reminder that despite all the chaos, some things were still normal.

And it keeps her busy for a while. Minutes stretching into hours as the sun changes position into the sky, humid heat making her skin sticky with sweat even though the pain in her muscles is more than welcomed. Yeah, she’ll definitely will feel sore tomorrow, but at least she’s helping. Once her bag is full of more branches than what was needed, she decides to go back.

And in retrospect, maybe she should have stayed longer in the middle of the trees, peaceful green all around her, no one to hurt or to scream at, nothing to destroy but herself and her own thoughts.

Yeah, she should have stayed there.

Alone.

Away.

Surprise flashes across her features at first as she comes back to find the girls around God knows what, but she ignores it. Closing her ears, looking carefully at Martha’s smile, trying not to let the snarky comments out about whatever Shelby is talking; She ignores it, walk to the structure that had been built while she was out there, cutting up some wood. She had to give it to them, the thing looked pretty neat, but that’s something she would never admit. Fingers tightly hooked on a log, muscles straining as she tries to put it against the rest, her heart threaten to jump out her throat when she hears it.

When she hears what Shelby had just said.

Hurt drowns her thoughts suddenly, as anger just pounds against her ears. This is too much, this can’t be happening. She can’t lose Martha, not to some little blonde missy who’s just throwing promises in the air as if she meant it. Because of course she doesn’t mean it, because why would she, uh? But Toni doesn’t move, Toni doesn’t flinch, even when her fingers are trembling already, even when she feels so sick, stomach jumping up and down, fear making her chest so tight. All she wants to do is scream but instead she insists, trying to lay the log against the structure.

Nora tries to help her. Once, twice, she tries again and again, pushing without actually meaning to be pushy. She couldn’t have known the storm that was patiently waiting for a crack to explode. And it all went so fast, so brutal and violent. Toni’s voice cracking under the anger, pressure building up in her body as the curly haired girl apologized, Martha’s stare on her face. She couldn’t handle it. It was all too much. The heat, Martha, the broken shelter, Shelby and her fake promises, false hopes that she would remain friends with Martha forever, slowly making her way under the girl’s skin. Just a snake waiting for the right time to break Martha’s soft heart, and Toni would be the one to pick all the pieces up.

She couldn’t let it happen. She just couldn’t. Martha couldn’t leave her.

She had promised.

Shallow breath, lips trembling as her chest felt so heavy, muscles so tense, ready to run, ready to fly away. And yet all she could do was stare at Martha, screaming at her all the words she wishes she could use, her fears, her doubts, her anger. Fog started to seep into her mind, the same fog that often numbed her enough to stop feeling anything, because when everything became too much to handle, the only solution she had found to be effective, was to let the fog take over. And boy, did it take over. Axe in her hand, Toni hit the shelter, each hit felt like a punch to her gut. For being such an idiot, for losing control, for that time she had broken Regan’s car. For believing that for once in her life, someone would stay for her.

So she destroyed everything, following the fog, letting the anger run through her veins, emotions exploding all around in her mind, her heart so painfully tight she needed to do something for it to stop hurting so much. But then, when everything was broken, that’s when she realizes. When the fog comes down and the sun rises again against her face, pushing away the clouds that held her thoughts hostage, that’s how she realizes that she had broken her own promise made to her bestfriend so many years ago.

That she would never lose control in front of her ever again.

Here she stands, powerless, out of breath, tears threatening to roll down her cheeks at any time, throat so painful it feels like swallowing glass each time she does. But what hurts more is how Martha says her name. How she looks at her. Betrayal in her tone, disapproval and so much disappointment. Hurt can be read all over her face, and more than ever, Toni misses the gentle smile that is usually set against her lips. She wishes she could reach for her, just grab her hand, prevent her from leaving her alone on that stupid beach surrounded by these people they barely know. But she can’t. Toni feels paralyzed, body spent after following the need for release. She doesn’t move when Martha leaves, not immediately, her own eyes crossing with Shelby's, who's just staring at her. Toni snaps out of it just a few seconds after, but it’s too late. Her friend’s already gone.

So she follows.

She finds Martha on a small hill, looking at the ocean and her hands grabs at her arms as she walks to her bestfriend, shame weighting suddenly so much on her shoulders. Toni knows so well what she done, hoping that with an apology it would be better, they would get better. But Martha’s “Don’t” is so sharp when Toni calls her name that it feels like being stabbed in the chest. And so, Toni doesn’t say a thing, taking it on like a champ, even though her insides are screaming.

“You ruin things.”

That one also hurts. Tears stuck in her throat, the girl can’t do anything else than stare at her friend, fingers grabbing her arms so tightly behind her back. She knows it already, that she ruins everything. She has heard it enough from foster families and random friends that never bothered to stick around. But for some reasons, hearing it from Martha makes her want to curl into a ball and cry until her eyes dry out.

“And I’m done picking up the pieces for you.”

It hits her in the guts, like a wave would crash onto a rock. Martha had been there, through everything, for her. Never leaving her. But now, she was done. Exhausted even she says, as she continues to speak.

Alone, once again.

That’s the only thing that crosses Toni’s mind as she watches Martha walks away from her. Like so many had done before her. And it kills her. Fists are tight against her sides, holding back sobs that would wreck her if they got out, Toni walks down the hill, legs wobbling as she steps onto the sand. And she walks around a bit, hands still shaky, pain so high in her throat that for a second she wishes she could just take it out. Feels like she has swallowed a rock, but that’s just pain stuck there. She can’t shake Martha’s words, and they play again and again in her mind, swallowing everything else around her.

“You’re exhausting.”

She can’t keep doing this.

“Or run even.”

Not to people she cares so deeply about.

Her pace quickens, legs so sore after her day in the woods, but she fights it off. And finally, the tears are flowing freely on her cheeks, sobs breaking through her chest, and she starts running.

She runs until the sun goes down.

She runs until she can’t feel anything else but the ache in her chest and muscles from running too much.

She runs until Martha’s voice is gone.

She runs until the fog disappear entirely.

And as she finally sits down, butt sinking into wet sand as she watches the sun rising, she makes herself a new promise. To stop ruining things when it comes to Martha. Just for her. Just because Toni knows she just can’t do it without her.

Not on the island.

Not anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is, the angst! Do let me know your thoughts, should I keep writing this and see where it takes me or should I just write something else? I don't really know what's the plan yet, but I definitely enjoy exploring Toni's character who I find to be very relatable and so interesting. Anyways, imma stop rambling, see y'all soon i hope :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed, chapter 2 should be posted asap as i'm almost done with it already :) Have a great day, thanks for reading xx


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